Living & Working in Great Places
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I am not OK. I am not ready to make nice! My Alaskan adventure doesn't seem real at the present time. I feel as if I am drowning and cannot breathe without James. I have not spoken with him for 15 days. Not until yesterday which was day 14 I answered his text message. I cut off all contact I did haven't spoken to him. I am experiencing the stages of grief over my relationship. I wanted him to marry me. I would have had 5 children for him. I would have been wanted 3. I had their names chosen. I knew which temple I wanted to be married to him (Payson, Utah), and I picked a dress and bridemaid dresses.
When I looked beautiful James would flush red. I thought the color display was endearing. And the day we met was something out of a love story. My Papa had died. I was his caregiver. I had just returned from his funeral in Mesa, Arizona. It was a sunday. My plane laned at 8 am and church started at 9am. I felt the spirit say , "haul ass"! I am not sure if God curses or if it was me projecting to myself but I did break traffic laws to make it there. I had no make up on, I was in travel clothing, I had not brushed my hair, and my eyes were swollen from crying. That day I got a new calling (church job) in Family History. Then I had to wait to be set apart from my bishop. He likes to talk. Then in walks a handsome new guy in our ward. He is looking at the tithing settlement sign up on the wall. I have to think of what to say,
Me: Excuse me! Do you like the early morning service?
James: Why do I look like crap?
Me: (Alvin and Chipmink voice) No I wanted to see if your voice sounded like this!
Me: (Bad impression of deep voice) Or if you sounded like this
James: (Deep bass) No my voices sounds like this! I am a man!
Me: If you did that near my neck it would tickle.
James: Oh really? We could try if I ask you on a date.
Me: What's name sir?
James: I am James will you go on a date with me?
Me: I am Molly and yes, yes I would love to James!
I have not attended any church activities for two weeks either. I am spitually drained. Honestly I thought I could handle seeing the man I love with another woman in my spiritual home. But that was easier said than done. I need to be spiritually in a good place when I go to Alaska. In the next three weeks I am going to read The Book of Mormon in it's entirety, and attend the temple 6 times. Maybe I will go to all 8 temples in my area.
I have not been just sitting around pining over James. I have been spending time with my friends. I am grateful for good friends that I have.