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This is for people who have never worked in a restaurant before. You are the worst customers to wait on. This should teach you some basic customer etiquette to ensure a happy waitress!

1. Do you eat off dirty tables at home? DO NOT sit at a dirty table. If you want that particular table really bad, than wait patiently for it to be cleaned off.

2. Where you raised in a barn? Put the cap back on the ketchup, mustard, ect...Its disgusting seaching thru dirty dishes and whatever else is on the table in search of those tiny little caps.

3. You really can't find a babysitter? If you must dine with children, please make an attempt to pick up the food they throw on the floor. If you don't want to pick it up, then you must compensate the waitress financially. If the children are screaming, then go outside of the restaurant with them. That is a courtesy to the staff and the other customors. Do NOT allow your children to crawl around or run around like wild animals. I have spilled things and run over my fair share of unruly children.

4. Do you know what multitasking is? Seasoned waitresses are very good at multitasking. Do NOT one your waitress to death. If this sentence makes no sense to you, allow me to explain. If a waitress is at the table, ask for everything needed. Do NOT ask for something the second she/he returns with the last thing you just asked for. Get your shit together.

5. Are you deaf? Listen to your waitress when she/he is talking. Your conversation can be put on hold for the 30 seconds. Listing the 10 dressings for each person is totally absurd.

6. Are you that self centered? This just about sums all the previous ones up. Do not hog the waitress. You are most likely not the only person she is taking care of.

7. Tipping is not a sea in China! Waitresses earn about $2.50 an hour from the employer. We DEPEND on your tips. 10% is a horrible tip and reserved only to let the waitress know you received horrible service. 15% is less than average. 18% is average. 20% and more is a good tip. If you must pay by credit card try to leave a cash tip.

8. We are not mind readers! If you want something than ask for it. Good waitresses get good at knowing a customers need before they do, but when its busy sometimes that intuation goes out the window. This is especially important if you don't like your food. We as waitresses have the power to fix it or get it discounted for you. Do NOT eat the whole dinner and then complain about it.

to be continued....

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Comment by shannon Baas on August 30, 2014 at 2:32pm

Know this is an old posting but at least you get tips.  Try kissing everyone's rear end at the front desk and never seeing a tip.

Comment by Kelly on June 4, 2010 at 8:37am
Tyler that place sound EFFIN HILARIOUS! I want to work there! There is a place similar to that called DIcks Last Resort in Boston where I am from. The servers are only hired on if they can be rude and obnoxious to guests when they come in on purpose! So funny!
Comment by Tyler Martin on May 27, 2010 at 7:41am
Kelly (and other waiters/waitresses out there), there's a great restaurant in Atlanta that I think would be just about any servers dream job. The place is called the Vortex and they actually have their own sort of idiots guide to dining or rules for their customers to abide by. I'll list a few of my favorites and the link to their website if anyone wants to explore some more of the hilarity.

Almost everything you could possibly need to know about our food and beverage selection is printed somewhere within our menus. Please read them thoroughly. If you ask us stupid questions we will be forced to mock you mercilessly.

The Vortex Bar & Grill is not a Public Library, it is a privately-owned bar and as such we enforce a very strict "No-Whining" policy. We're sorry if you are offended by the obnoxious strippers sitting at the table next to you, or if you feel that the music is too loud or the bar area is too smokey, but if you need to have total control over your environment then you really need to stay home.

At the Vortex Bar & Grill the customer is NOT always right. We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone, especially if we think that you're a great big jerk. We strive to keep the Vortex an official "Idiot-Free Zone" at all times, so if you're acting like an idiot we'll be sure to let you know, right before we throw you out.

The Vortex is a true short-order kitchen and we will always try to prepare special orders whenever possible. If you order something that is not on the menu and we do make it for you, we will charge you whatever damn price we want to and you will thank us for it. If you request extra stuff, that's no problem, but you will be charged for it. Hey, we don't get any of this stuff for free you know. Requested deletions will not reduce the price of any menu item, tightwad.

If you are dining with people that you just don't trust, you can request a separate check. you must ask your Server for a separate check when you are placing your order, otherwise you're just screwing up our system. We reserve the right to decline requests for separate checks for parties of six or more people, but we will gladly supply you with a calculator.

An 18% gratuity may be added to your check if you are a party of six or more. If you think that tipping is a scam, then buy yourself a TV dinner, stay home and watch wrestling. Tipping is how our Servers and Bartenders make their living. Help us help you. If you ever feel that you have received substandard service, please notify the Manager-on-Duty before you leave. We really want to know if your Server sucks.
Comment by Kelly on April 22, 2009 at 2:30pm
Adam that is soooo great! I hate when you ask "Is everyone ready to order, or do you need some more time with the menu??" and they say they are ready. So I give the reply "What can I get for you??" and then they sit there and debate for 10 more minutes while you sit there and wait with a thumb up your ass!

Once again you are not my only table... most of the time. And I can't sit there and stare at you while you decide!

I am more than happy to reccomend a delicious meal for you! Or Im more than happy to give you more time.... JUST ASK!
Comment by Adam on April 21, 2009 at 10:27pm
I work at a melting pot (of sorts) of international quests. As we (servers) all know international quests know, and by this I mean the guests that have money and a television to watch back home, that tipping is how we are paid. In my years of serving these self centered ego miniacal rich thumb suckers (I just got off work myself so this is my little rant) I now educate them first hand on how we do business here.
Only 50% of my international quests leave a 15%+ tip, and only 10% of them are the ones I described above. I will say though once you tell them (I feel it is a reminder of ediquette) they do increase that pittifull tip.
90% of my quests I can win over though, and honestly I guess the reason I can't complain to much is the fact that we have 0 regulars. Everyone is in the resturant on vacation (hell I work smack between Disney and Universal). Therefore in my opinion my job at this place is easier than most of you.
My one gripe.
When the wife orders her meal, as well as your 5 kids while you look over the menu and debate between a steak or pasta (all the while the wife is dealing with Jonny ripping the sugars open, Mikey is grabbing sussies hair while she screams bloody murder) DONT LOOK AT YOUR WIFE AND ASK "honey what should I get".
These so called "men" are the one's that call their lovely wife on his way home and ask "honey do I need gas?"
Cant wait to see all of you at OFI.....May 19th!
Comment by Jim on March 12, 2009 at 8:55pm
Jon...but some kids behave very well! They don't have to pay extra. It's the others whose parents should be on a sliding scale of payment for extra work performed. But back to my original comment, I don't get paid extra regardless. You bend over backwards and get extra--most of the time anyway, except if Canadians show up. I do the same and get nothing extra.
Comment by Jim on March 12, 2009 at 8:27pm
Yes, the emperor Caesar was not borne but cut from it would be bloody, and so the name is apt. I really enjoy the non-alcoholic version's name of the Bloody Mary: the Virgin Mary. Makes me laugh. Either way, it's a great tasting drink. It's the celery that does it.

As for pay working with these kids, I am now subbing. Luckily I work for a school district that pays a fairly decent wage plus excellent bennies. But as our state economy is in shambles, I may just be staying on in the summer job--if they like me. And of course they will! lol
Comment by Jon Tilley on March 12, 2009 at 2:25pm
Jim, I believe your analogy is a bit imperfect. If I were referring to a restaurant where all of the chairs were high chairs, and all of the menus were kid's menus, and in fact the ONLY customers that ever set foot in our establishment were indeed children, then your argument would be spot-on. However, I do believe that you should be tipped, if the children that you teach had the capacity to do so, or perhaps if the children had a parent present to evaluate the quality education their children were receiving. I don't believe that is in the foreseeable future though. Perhaps a more appropriate analogy would be that children to me are like the angry parents of dumb children are to you. The ones that blame you for their child's inability to learn, when it is, in fact, their genetic makeup. You do what you do to teach the students and get the douche bag parents while I cater to adults and get their crayon-eaters.
As far as your job goes...
I agree with you 100%. Teachers should make twice as much as they do. It's the most important profession there is and you all get paid jack and shit for it.

And Canadians ARE horrible tippers. I worked at a lodge on a frozen lake down which the U.S.-Canadian border ran. They literally rode across the lake on their snowmobiles. AND they call "Bloody Marys" "Caesars", which makes sense when you think about it, I guess.
Comment by akscootr on March 11, 2009 at 8:33pm
This Scott does... how can I not. I am a tarbender and server... But Canadians are terrible.
Comment by Jim on March 11, 2009 at 8:26pm
Thank you Kelly :-)

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