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I am a dream ex girlfriend. I am fun to run into and I am nice to my ex boyfriend's new woman. I think of others and don't want them to feel awkward. The truth is I am still in love with him.

Since he has been gone I have had adventures with suitors. I have a crush on a guy I met at a dance. However he is also in the same ward I am in. In fact he is the chorister. He plays the piano, the trumpet, and guitar. I am still not over the AWKWARDNESS of my new crush. But I am still in love with my ex who is still the most influential man in my life.

No one is perfect. My ex boyfriend made me cry a lot. I respect him so much for his ambition to live the gospel and who's home teaching/priesthood duties are important to him. Our dates were primarily church activities. Once when we were temporarily broken up I went on a date and slept over a mans house. My ex boyfriend forgave me for it. But he never forgave me for it completely. During our church services sacrament portion he will stare me down until I make eye contact. We exchange our NOT discreet mouthed greetings. After he passes the sacrament he goes and sits by his new woman. 

She is a sweet girl. I do not hate her. She and I are in the same relief society together (women's organization). I have sat by her while she snuggled up to the man I love. And I smiled and carried on with my friends by my side. In my mind I drop to my knees and pray for strength not to burst into tears. I implore mercy from jealousy. And I beg for direction to keep conversation rolling.

When our church leadership noticed James and I had broken up and that he had moved on they offered me to go to church somewhere else. They offered to help me join another ward. I declined because I can make this work. My friends have been my anchor. We literally laugh out loud majority of the time. My Ward family is my social center. My BFF's are all there. It is my spiritual home. I don't need to be exiled because we broke up. I have visited other wards before. While I like the new experiences my ward is home.

There are 168 hours in a week. There was a time when James and I talked daily. I cooked him dinner 5 out of 7 days a week. And He is still the first person I want to tell about things when I am happy. He still rushes to be by my side if I need him. When we are alone he holds me and the world is perfect again.  I can act normal for 3 hours of church. It is the 165 hours left that is the challenge. I don't have my best friend and boyfriend anymore. I have no one to watch movies with or cook for. There is a  gigantic void.

Going to Alaska is going to give me a much needed respite from my problems. I am going to do all Denali has to offer. I am extremely lucky for the opportunity I have this summer. I look forward to becoming a seasoned expert on Denali before I leave Alaska. I need to make this experience my own.

James is an integral part of me going to Alaska. In a decision of whether to marry me or leave me he chose to leave me. That's when I applied to work in Alaska. I continued to date him. The day I got the interview James called me speaking sentimental words about the day we met. He asked me if I was really going to Alaska. When I told him I was going he became upset and I cancelled dinner plans. The day I received my employment contract James told me he had a new girlfriend. When he came around to the idea of my summer he suggested I contact the church leaders in Alaska which led into me housesitting.

I am going to change my life in Alaska. I want to be a certain woman. I want to be certain of my testimony in the gospel. At the same time I want to be a brave woman who travels! And doesn't give F's about insignificant things. I want to be an independent lady who doesn't rely on a man for her self worth. I want to be a good person and a forgiving person. I want to strive to earn the privilege of my life.

I get actual compliments on being a good ex. I feel awkward about being complimented for that. I love James and I want him to be happy. I love myself so I am showing self respect. I don't want people to feel awkward around me so I keep my head up. NORTH TO ALASKA where I will lose the title dream ex girlfriend. And assume the title The Kind Travel Diva

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