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When I woke up this morning, as I got ready for the day I checked my Facebook. Among the Likes and Loves my crush, The Mariachi, had liked a picture of my wingman and I. The last time I was ever alone with him was right after my car accident. It was in April during the General Conference. I should have been in bed but I had gone dancing instead. I completely lose my cool when I am with this guy. I ran into him, we took some pictures that were all blurry, and shared an awkward dance. In fact I slapped his penis twice while dancing with him. I am still debating whether or not it's awesome that our first dance was literally the dance moves from the movie "Dirty Dancing". I am actually a good dance partner but I lose my cool when I am with him. He asked me who Tom was and I verified that he indeed was just my wingman. He clarified that the girl he is always with is in fact his wing woman. And I am not sure if it is the rush of happiness that red head is not his girlfriend but I leaned in for a kiss. His lips, in spite of the fact that his hands were manly, were soft. And when his mustache touched my face I blacked out. During those few moments in my alternate reality I was a little girl and my Dad was kissing my cheek and it tickled. Suddenly I was back on the dance floor. I had almost fainted and my first kiss was ruined. I said, "I am sorry Daddy", to my Mariachi Amador. I didn't tell him I had been in a car accident because I didn't want him to think I was a weirdo AND a bad driver. So I just hugged him and felt the beating of his heart against my body and I could smell the Axe in his hair and his body. When he held me close he was strong and muscular. When he caressed my arm his arms were so hairy. I began to feel faint again so I held him back, I stroked his curly dark hair, Kissed his forehead, then said good night I went looking for Tom. I danced with him for a while lastly we went to IHOP.

The next time I saw him was nearly a month later. It was at a group dinner. When he arrived, the he was, I tried not to look longingly at him. He was making small talk with the hostess when he suddenly interrupted. "You have not been to church or anything for a long time", he proclaimed. The hostesses head whips toward me and she said in disbelief, "How nice that you noticed that she has not been to church what a sweetheart"! I lied and said it was just because I was Ward hopping for adventure. "Are you sure it's not because your ex stalks you", the hostess pokes in. Luckily the others changed the subject really fast to South American dictators. And the both of us got caught up in random, unimportant, and fun conversation. He was surprised I knew what a Lamprey was. At one point I interjected and told everyone about my Alaska trip. I told them about all of the activities I planned to do. I shared about how welcoming the LDS people were to me in Alaska and how I had a free housesitting gig. As my Mariachi looked at me from across the table, when I looked into his dark eyes, I had to make a decision in my heart. I decided that if I were to jump into a relationship with God's gift to me and forego going to Alaska for the summer of a lifetime I would regret it. If we were meant to be than he will be waiting when I get back from Alaska. If we were to become a couple I may resent him later for not going. I would love this man to be my eternal companion. I waited to the mariachi to go look at a project the hostess. I gave the wing man the signal and he made our grand exit without incident.

The picture that was liked was a picture of my wingman and I cozy at a dance club. There is a comment that says, "nice couple". I don't want him to have a misunderstanding about Tom and I. I don't want him to get the wrong idea. I know that I have bombed during every interaction. I just can't handle the idea of never seeing him again until October. I can't stand him not knowing I have a crush on him but I am too afraid to open up about my broken heart. I wish I could tell him I am sure I would be sexually please because I could have an OH moment or 15 minutes just when he hold's me. But that's just cray cray. I am a little crazy maybe. That's why I am going far away to Alaska for adventure. Oh my heck.

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